Unprocessed Breakup Pain Can Come Up Later

I've had a few breakups in my life that completely rocked me to my core.

Some left me replaying every conversation, desperately searching for the “perfect closure” I thought I needed.
Others I barely processed at all.

Sometimes, I pushed my hurt feelings aside after a breakup, convinced that time alone would take care of them.

What I didn't realize back then was that unprocessed pain doesn't simply disappear.

Unprocessed pain often shows up later in life.
It can show up as anxiety.
It can show up as hyper-vigilance.
It can show up as projections onto people who had nothing to do with the original hurt.

✨ ✨ ✨

I used to be masterful at projections because I didn't have spaces where I could talk about my past feelings.

Vulnerable expression wasn't something that was normalized in my Armenian culture.

So I simply didn't know how to do it.
The whole concept of vulnerability confused me immensely.

AND .. when your family history is filled with genocide and immigration and survival, talking about such things as trivial as a high school breakup felt insignificant and something to simply and quickly get over.

But my past experiences didn't just get erased.

They got lodged into my psyche and turned into baggage waiting for a perfect person to collide with and release it on.

✨ ✨ ✨

Fast forward to the year 2014 .. where I met my now husband who was the perfect candidate for such a collision.

The amount of projection we experienced early on is too exhausting to write about .. but let's just say it was a lot.=)

I am deeply relieved to say that projections are much less of an occurrence in my life now; they do still happen at times however I'm able to work through them very quickly.

✨ ✨ ✨

When we talk about “relationship baggage,” we're talking about exactly that .. the places in our past lives where we've been deeply hurt.

Relationship baggage are the parts of us that became vulnerable because of painful experiences.

I don't think we ever completely “get over” those core vulnerabilities.

But we do need to process them.
So we can better manage projections and differentiate from others.
So we can learn to communicate our needs and boundaries.
So we can identify what kind of relationships will be healing versus harming.

And we do need our pain to be witnessed by safe/trustworthy humans (not the person we broke up with).

When we honor breakups by giving them the space to be processed, the emotional charge can begin to soften .. AND .. we become less likely to expect new people to pay for old pain.

Looking back, some of my biggest lessons didn't come from the endings themselves.

They came from what those endings revealed about me.

In some romantic relationships, I chose men who would activate my core trauma wounds .. confusing 'butterflies' with the anxiety of being treated badly.

In some friendships, I didn't communicating my needs or boundaries clearly. I tried hard to be 'the strong one' and the 'caretaker' - roles I unknowingly took on as a child. That translated into me feeling used and betrayed often.

Other times, even when I knew my needs weren't being met, I kept hoping the relationship would eventually become what I longed for it to be. I often confused potential with reality.

Looking back, I can see how much of that was rooted in my own anxious attachment and the hope that if I just held on a little longer, things would change.

Today, my relationships look very different.

I'm much more honest with myself and with what is in front of me.
I know my core values.
I know how much I am willing to invest in my relationships and look for reciprocity.
I communicate much more directly with people.
I am able to manage my expectations better.

And I've learned that while it's painful when a relationship isn't reciprocal, it's often kinder and wiser (for everyone involved) to accept what's true than to keep waiting for someone to become who I hope they'll be.

✨ ✨ ✨

Just as relationships require skills, so do endings.

An ending asks us to grieve and be honest about our hurt.

• It asks us to take responsibility for our side of the relationship, but not carry someone else's.
• It asks us to lean into self-forgiveness.
• It asks us to integrate what we've learned so we don't unknowingly bring yesterday's pain into tomorrow's relationships.

So I'm curious …

• When you think about the endings in your own life; whether romantic or friendship … what have they taught you about yourself?
• How do you work through endings in general?
• What still feels unresolved?
• And past ending might still need your attention before you carry it into your next relationship?

With warmth,
Silvy